He Could do no Right, He Could do no Wrong But He…..
Posted by Psych@Bower on October 18th, 2008
Paul, Michael and Wayne; three violent men whose histories are relayed by Carol Boland in her paper “Can Violent Men Change?” The stories of Paul and Wayne make chilling reading as two men from vastly different backgrounds that end up at the same psychological place where they attempt to murder their wives and children who have left them. Carol uses personality theory and in particular the theory of narcissism to explain how this could be. Paul grew up in a world where he could ‘do no wrong’ with a childhood that taught him no strategies to deal with what he perceived to be the ‘outrageous and unwarranted rejection’ of his abused wife’s decision to leave. By contrast Wayne’s childhood was dominated by abuse and humiliation and a powerful sense of shameful inadequacy with the result that he was hypersensitive to criticism and reacted violently. The humiliation implicit in his partners decision to leave him resulted in the same behavior as Paul.
By contrast she presents the case of Michael, a man who has been equally violent yet is able to engage with the therapist and not only acknowledge his violence but act to change it.
Carol makes a cogent point. Violent men can change but ‘we need to be more skilled at recognizing who they are’. Central to this is understanding the quality of their own parenting ‘particularly any information that helps us to understand what they internalized about personal responsibility and remorse’ For those who are steeped in defensive shame like Michael and Wayne it is impossible to predict whether they can respond. However initial screening to distinguish the still-reachable from the too-defended which both appeals to the man’s self-interest and rewards vulnerability and responsibility to change is crucial. In addition it is crucial that we warn the partners of violent men how they leave and be aware that a history of physical violence is no predictor. Never humiliate them, she warns, ‘if possible, simply leave when he is not around. ’She concludes by saying that anti-violence programs must be thoroughly and reliably assessed and that therapist should be unafraid to state that some men are unable or unwilling to change and that services must be provided to properly protect woman and children.
Boland, C. (2008) Can violent men change? Context: The Magazine for Family Therapy and Systemic Practice in the UK. 97: 6-9.