The Process of Waiting: Workshop for Prospective Adoptive Parents
Posted by admin on May 26th, 2008
The following summarises the workshop given to waiting parents at Bower Place in March 2008. It is envisaged that the workshop will be repeated in August/September 2008. To register your interest, please email Vanessa Mills at the below address.
The Process of Waiting
Dr Vanessa Mills
Registered Psychologist
Bower Place Pty Ltd
www.bowerplace.com.au
3rd and 17th March 2008
Presentation for AFIS
Workshop Outline
• The purpose of the workshop
• Types of issues that may emerge during the wait (e.g. living with uncertainty, loss of control, changing your mind, and the array of life changes)
• Making sense of the issues: Myths & stereotypes
• Making sense of the issues: A developmental perspective of the passage of time
• Some strategies that may assist (including how to talk with children, family and friends)
• Case example: A couple struggling with relationship difficulties during the wait
• Forum: Any other issues attendees would like to raise (for privacy, AFIS personnel will depart during this part of the workshop)
Issues that can emerge during the wait
• Navigating the road of contradictions
o “It will happen” vs. “there are no guarantees “
o “There are millions of children in need of adoption” vs. “applicants outnumber the number of adoptable children 10:1”.
• Lack of understanding about process from the non-adoption population
• Grief and loss
• Secrecy
• Isolation
• Difficulty with work/career decisions
• Relationship/family pressure
• Others????
Myths & Stereotypes
• Myth: If a relationship becomes strained during the adoption wait, the problem must have been there all along.
• Reality: Unusual circumstances can create a problem that may pass when the wait is over OR it may be that it is something you have to deal with;
• Reality: Unusual circumstances can make an ordinary issue into a real problem that you have to deal with.
• Myth : Because a couple “know” they will eventually become parents, the joy of this should offset any angst during the waiting period
• Reality: Knowing that something should happen does not change the warping of time that disrupts life.
• Myth: The wait is easier for men than women
• Reality: While some men are able to deal with the wait via strategies such as immersing themselves in work, for others it is extremely difficult. For the men that do struggle, it can be a highly isolating experience.
• Myth: Waiting is easier if you already have children.
• Reality: For some people this is true as it does provide them with a greater sense of the movement of time. For others, it may be more difficult than the arrival of the first child. It will depend on the meaning they attach to things.
A Developmental Perspective
• Waiting during the adoption process interrupts the normal developmental trajectory of human relationships.
• Normative experiences of the movement of time. What happens to an individual when time stands still in some areas of their life but not in others?
• We have little experience of time stopping, and when it does, it is usually limited by a clear end point. With adoption, there is no predictable endpoint, just a series of moving goal-posts.
• What is the impact of such a disruption on life?
• Life in the Adoption Detention Centre: Uncertainty, loss of control, the wait for liberation and managing the gatekeepers.
• Warping of identity characteristics
o Individual
o Relationships
o Social/Cultural
A Developmental Perspective: Individual
• Individual identity characteristics are accentuated during the wait.
• If an individual is inclined to depression, this is likely to be heightened during the wait. This type of person may experience longer and/or more intense depressive bouts than they did prior to the wait.
• If an individual is inclined to being a practical problem solving type, this will likely increase during the wait. This type of person may find themselves engaged in constant activity during the wait, always searching for the next thing to do.
• Notably, both of the above individuals are examples of the same kind of response – a heightening of an existing characteristic due to the stress of the wait. However, for one person, the heightened characteristic is “dysfunctional” while for the other, it is highly valued by societal norms.
A Developmental Perspective: Relationships
• If there is any type of difficulty in a relationship, the warping of time during the adoption wait is likely to heighten it.
• The warping can also create a fracture in the relationship if the two individual characteristics are at odds (e.g. the problem solver vs. the worrier vs. the disconnector, etc.).
• Extended family relationships and the warping of family growth.
• Peer groups and disruptions to expectations of shared parenthood.
• The warping creates a narrowing of relationships in an the individual’s life. Some will become more insular within a relationship, others will avoid certain relationships all together.
A Developmental Perspective: Societal/Cultural
• Cultural norms around parenting
o Normative experiences of parenting are interrupted, and there is a warping of social groups.
o Age when attempting to build family is shifted.
• Expectations of immediacy
o Everything happens immediately – patience seen as disinterest.
• Male norms of working life.
o It can be easier for men to maintain a sense of time moving through this period as they are focused on work. For those that are not, it can be extremely isolating.
Strategies
• Finding ways to make time start moving again by broadening your identity.
• Knowing that with the passage of time, the warping will disappear and some of the difficulties will also disappear.
• “Sitting it out” .
• Talking to your kids: child time versus adult time
• How have you managed stress in the past?
• Determining what you do not want in your relationship.
• Acknowledging the rawness of the wait – this is personal!
• “Keeping busy” type activities.
Case Example: A Struggling Couple
• Lens:
o Symptomatology
o Development
o Family
o Peers
o Media & Society’s Messages
o Culture
o Agency
• Case:
o Married couple: Jeff (42) and Jane (39)
o Applied to adopt from China: Started the process following 4 years of unsuccessful IVF. Initially thought they would wait 12 months to be matched with a child. Now unsure what will happen. No other children.
1. Presentation & Symptomatology
• Jane is highly anxious and is starting to feel increasingly depressed about the adoption and the possibility that it might not happen for another couple of years (if it happens at all).
• Jeff struggles to understand why Jane can’t “just get on with it” – he thinks “it’ll happen in due course”. He is becoming increasingly frustrated with her, so spends more and more time at work.
• They say that their marriage has previously been “pretty typical” – mostly good, with some standard conflict.
• Of late, Jane is finding Jeff increasingly distant. She feels that they are no longer as connected as they once were and fears what this will do to the adoption.
2. Biology & Development
• Age 39 and 42
• Infertility of unknown origin.
• Jane has started to have some perimenopausal symptoms.
• This adoption will be their first child. They had originally hoped to have at least two children.
o What other biological/developmental factors may influence how they experience the wait?
3. Family
• Jane is the middle child of three siblings, she has an older brother who is married with three children and a younger sister, married with two children.
• Jeff is an only child.
• Jeff’s parents are very excited about the upcoming adoption as this will be their first and possibly only grandchild. They regularly ring Jane to find out what is happening.
• Jane’s family struggle to understand why the adoption is taking so long. Family functions have started to become awkward as no-one wants to bring up what has become a highly sensitive topic.
o What other family factors may influence how they experience the wait?
4. Peers/Social/Work
• Jeff is a sales rep for a wine company. He spends one week every month traveling around SA. Jeff admits that he sometimes stays at work longer than is required, and will volunteer to go on work trips.
• Jane is a high school teacher. She loves her job, but has been teaching in the same area for 10 years and would love to do something different.
• Jane and her two closest friends were all married around the same time, and started trying to have children within 12 months of each other. Both of her friends now have school-aged children. Jane admits she has started to avoid social functions with this peer group.
o What other peer/social/work factors may influence how they experience the wait?
5. Media
• The celebrity of adoption: Brangelina/Madonna/Deborah Lee-Furness
• Jane buys magazines occasionally e.g. NW
• Jane and Jeff both have broadband at home, and internet access at work
• Jane reveals she has periods when she spends hours at a time on the internet, looking up information of various adoption websites.
o What other media factors may influence how they experience the wait?
6. Culture (including religion)
• Cultural messages about fertility and parenthood.
• Jane’s family are Catholic
• Joining the mother club
o What other cultural factors may influence the wait for Jeff and Jane?
7. Agency
• Jane felt extremely vulnerable during the assessment stage. She found it difficult to deal with what she saw as being judged about her fitness to parent. She liked her home study assessor, but was uncomfortable talking about the sadness she felt over their unexplained infertility and unsuccessful IVF.
• Jeff sees the agency as highly bureaucratic. He wants to “just get on with things”.
o What other agency factors might influence how they experience the wait?
Posted in Z Other | No Comments »